Tag Archives: strawberry

Maui, Hawaii Part 2

15 Mar

During the difficult times at work, I like to fondly think of my time in Maui. At one point during our trip, Bubby and I had a serious conversation about moving to Hawaii and opening a shrimp truck called Miso’s.  But of course Bubby the buzz kill killed my shrimp truck dreams. At least we should try to visit every year. And every year I’m going to eat this French toast at Kihei Caffe (yes, two “f”s).

Banana macadamia nut French toast

This is the best French toast I have ever had.  Thick slices of crispy sweet bread, thick banana slices, crunchy macadamia nuts, drizzled with maple syrup and the house coconut syrup.

All of the components in one bite made me preach.  “I feel good! I feel good, because I know there’s a God somewhere! There’s a God somewhere! You know there’s a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this!” Name that movie.

Bubby ordered the pork fried rice loco moco.

The pork fried rice inspired me to make a kimchi pork fried rice loco moco, and everything is better with kimchi. But even without the kimchi, this dish was savory and the perfect salty pairing to my French toast.  Kihei Caffe is a caloric dream come true.  While reveling in our food fantasy, we were suddenly disturbed by a gang of birds.

And the king of the bird gang, Rufio! Ruf-i-oooooooooooooo!

We got the hell out of the crossfire of Rufio’s gang, and went to Charley Young Beach so I could rub my belly in peace.

And at this beach, Poseidon summoned me once again. And in true Hawaiian tradition, I donated my favorite Rayban sunglasses to Poseidon.  Every time I go to Hawaii, Poseidon takes what it wants.  Seven years ago, it was my Juicy Couture red jumper and Ipod.  What was my jumper and Ipod doing in the ocean? Or better yet, why the hell was I wearing Juicy Couture?!  It was seven years ago, and it was a cute ass beach jumper.  Seven years ago, Bubby and I placed our belongings in a locker.  Bubby pinned the locker key to his board shorts while we took surfing lessons.  While Poseidon tossed us around wildly, the locker key unfastened from Bubby’s shorts.  Assuming we lost the key and needed the office to open our locker, we noticed our locker was wide open and empty.  Someone had found our key and stole our possessions, including Bubby’s wallet, our towels, and book.  We walked back to our hotel soaking wet with shame, almost nude, pissed as fuck at Poseidon.  Damn you, Poseidon.  I hope you are rocking the shit outta my shades.

Because there was so much to eat and so little time, we went to Foodland –the best grocery store in the land.  While Kroger (I call every grocery store Kroger) sells rotisserie chickens, Foodland sells spam musubi, ahi poke, and my favorite, spicy raw crab!.

Look at this big ass avocado!

You can also see how the humidity in Hawaii is helping my winter’s eczema, too.

For dinner, Bubby and I went to Mama’s Fish House, a very popular restaurant in Maui.  The restaurant faces the beautiful ocean view and provided a very romantic atmosphere.

Macadamia nut crab cakes

I love crab cakes and cannot wait to go to Baltimore to eat some authentic cakes and to take The Wire tour.  These crab cakes definitely had nice chunks of crab, more crab than breading which is essential for a good CRAB cake.  The tomato relish provided a nice spicy and cool hint of flavor to the meaty cakes.

Opakapaka in lime and coconut milk served in a fresh coconut (Tahitian ceviche)

I asked for extra limes and drowned the shit out of the Hawaiian pink snapper.  I scraped the coconut flesh off the shell and mixed the gelatinous shavings with the ceviche.  This ceviche is making my mouth water as I type these damn words.

Bouillabaisse Mahimahi, lobster, shrimp, scallop and shellfish simmered in a saffron broth, with garlic rouille

Isn’t this picture the most beautiful bowl of underwater treasures?  As you can imagine, the seafood in Hawaii is fresh fo’ sho’.  The scallops were the size of silver dollars and as thick as marshmallows.  There was so much seafood in this dish that every spoonful contained several different types of seafood. My only issue with this dish was that I don’t think the pasta is made from scratch.  If Mama made fresh pasta, this dish would be the best dish of the trip especially since I rationed the garlic bread to last throughout the entire meal.

And to remind myself that I’m on vacation, I make sure the following happen.  I don’t wear makeup.  I must consume a fruity beverage with an umbrella  in it.  And I eat dessert after every meal.  Yes, every meal.  Ergo, ladies and gentlemen I introduce you to Ono Gelato.  The best fuckin’ gelato I have ever had.  Yes, I’ve never had gelato from Italy, but I don’t think I’ll have to.

Coconut is the shit.  But add some strawberry into the swirl, and I was immediately doing my happy dance while wiggling my toes.  Bubby even asked, “Are your toes dancing for gelato?”  Yes, Goddamit. Don’t judge me.  Best. gelato. ever.

Okay, I just gained five pounds writing this shit.

Kihei Caffe
1945 South Kihei Road
Kihei, HI

Mama’s Fish House
799 Poho Place
Paia, HI

Ono Gelato
1280 South Kihei Road
Kihei, HI

Ono Gelato
115 Hana Hwy # D
Paia, HI

Ono Gelato
815 Front Street
Lahaina, HI

We went to two out of the three Ono Gelato locations, and I give 5 slow mothafuckin claps.
 

Maui, Hawaii Part 1

24 Jan

I’m 31 today. I have been drinking legally for 10 years today. A full decade of buying my own liquor. No stealing Blister’s ID to sneak into clubs and memorizing that she’s an Aries and graduated from high school in 1996 just in case the bouncer asks. No paying that significantly older guy in the circle of friends to buy everyone’s liquor. Isn’t it weird that every high school crew had that one older friend who always hung out with the high school kids when he was like a hard 27? Anyway, I’m 31. To celebrate my 21st tenth year anniversary, Bubby took me to Maui. It was either Maui or theYSL bag I had my eye on for the last few months. And sinceYSL can’t give me a tan, loco moco, or four days off of work … Aloha, baby.

We are staying at the Makena Resort, south of Wailea. Here’s our view from our balcony. Golf course on the left and ocean on the right.

Since Bubby and I were working until the minute we boarded our plane, we didn’t know what to expect. We figured Maui was like Honolulu and everything was within walking distance. It’s not. You must rent a car and don’t wait until the last minute to rent one because the lady working at Enterprise will laugh in your face and let you know that all car rentals are gone for the entire island. Luckily, Budget at the Grand Wailea had 2 cars left. A convertible or the jeep. We chose this bad boy:

That’s right. Cherry red stang. Man, driving in Hawaii with the top down, sun on your shoulders, and wind in your hair makes one feel like a teenage boy full of testosterone. If Bubby was a teenage girl, I’d take her in the back seat and pop her cherry in my cherry stang. But Bubby is 30 so I turned up the Phil Collins and belt out an obligatory, older lady’s “woo hoo!”

I was itchin’ for some poke so we drove to The Fish Market in Lahaina. I requested that he make mine spicy.

The ahi is super fresh and the spicy soy sauce, onions, green onions, vinegar sauce was perfect. This is the perfect snack because it’s light, spicy, and savory. For lunch, Bubby ordered the ahi burger and I ordered a Hawaiian white fish (I can’t remember the name because I have vacay brain) with a side of mac salad.

I poured the left over poke sauce on my fish because it lacked flavor. Bubby disliked the onion bun on his burger.  The next time I come to The Fish Market, I’ll order a full pound of the spicy poke on a bed of rice. I’m a simple girl. After we stuffed our faces,we went to Kapua beach. Here’s Bubby lost at sea.


This beach looks nice but had rocks scattered all over the bottom of the ocean, making it difficult to squeeze the sand between my monkey toes. The ocean temperature is a lot colder than the ocean in Waikiki but it’s probably because the masses in Waikiki are probably pissing in the ocean and raising its overall temperature. And for that, I can handle fripples.

I’ve been to Hawaii several times but have never been to a Hawaiian lu’au. Bubby made reservations for us at Old Lahaina Lu’au and you can imagine my surprise when all of the waiters looked like this:

And this:

I immediately sent these photos to Blister and she responded with a “DAYUM! Which lu’au did you go to … chippendales Maui.” Yes, Blister. DAYUM, indeed. I couldn’t stop staring at the waiters, especially the ones with the tatted sleeves. My gawking was a level 10 that Bubby agreed to get a tattoo as long as it was original and meaningful. Happy birthday to me.

The buffet at the lu’au offered your typical Hawaiian options. They even dug out the swine from the ground.  The recurring theme for me in Hawaii was to stack my plate with so much food that it resembles a trough.

DAMN IT! My stupid Ipad just ate the rest of my blog post.  STUPID IPAD. I basically broke down every single item on this plate in a clockwise fashion and now it’s gone.  STUPID IPAD.  Speaking of Ipad, we were sitting on the beach in Maui and I told Bubby, “Oh no, there is so much sand in my Ipad … that’s annoying.”  And my smart-ass husband muttered, “White people problems.”

Anyway, I also wrote a long love letter to the guava/strawberry butter at the lu’au. I was raving on and on about how decadent this magical butter tasted to my husband, and this rude girl sitting across from us (1) overheard our conversation and (2) stuck her dirty ass finger through my precious butter. WHAT THE WHAT?!  Kids are so rude these days.  After licking her dirty ass finger she looked at me and nodded, “it is good.”  Damn Omar Little, jackin’ my shit.

In sum, the lu’au had tasty butter, chicken long rice (the noodles in the small black cup), and tattooed eye candy.

The Fish Market
3600 L. Honoapiilani Road
Lahaina, Hawaii
(the poke deserves 5 fresh claps but the other dishes deserve 2)

Old Lahaina Lu’au
1251 Front Street
Lahaina, Hawaii
(the food deserves 2 claps but the staff deserves a standing ovation and 6 claps symbolizing their 6-pack abs, Good morning!)

Christmas 2011

3 Jan

I love Christmas!  The wrapping paper, the red Starbucks cups, the candy canes, lights, baked goods galore, and dressing Miso up for our annual holiday card.  This year he was a reindeer, but next year’s card will have him as the reindeer, Santa, and elf (past Christmas card costumes).  The pain and suffering in his eyes when dressed in these ridiculous outfits is definitely the true meaning of Christmas.  Here he is in his onesie photobombing my picture of all of the Christmas presents I purchased for others this year.

He always looks like a baby when dressed in his onesie, but he gets so damn lazy.  Look at this lazy bitch.

He would not move off these pillows all day.

I also obviously love Christmas for the food.  All the red and green colored foods that make it feel like you’re literally eating Christmas.

Strawberry Waffles

Bubby made these delicious waffles for me when I was craving breakfast food for dinner.

Chicken and Cheese Enchiladas

I used manchego cheese which is essential for any good enchilada or quesadilla.  I took the leftover rotisserie chicken, shredded the meat, and stuffed it into these bad boys.  The top picture is for Bubby who doesn’t like cheese as much as I do but later regretted not having a thick layer of manchego cheese on top of his enchiladas.

Turkey Meatballs

turkey meatballs

I used Giada’s recipe as a guideline to make these turkey meatballs even though she’s the most annoying person on television.  Really, does she have to over- enunciate every Italian word?!  I poured a liberal amount of vodka and made a creamy vodka sauce.

For Christmas lunch, I prepared Roast Prime Rib and Chicken & Lobster Pot Pie

The roast rib came out to a perfect medium rare pink.  It was as good as Lawry’s for a fraction of the price.  For 10 lbs of roast rib from Whole Foods, it cost around $112.  That’s basically two orders of prime rib, but my roast fed 8 people with a lot left over.  I made the pot pie because it’s my father-in-law’s favorite.  Apparently, he was muttering, “ho sic” which means good in Cantonese.   “Ho sic,” “oh, shit” is right.  This pot pie was good.   I used already-made pie crust because I wasn’t trying to reinvent the wheel.  Pie crust is so hard to make, trust me … it sucks.  But what doesn’t suck, is this rich and creamy pot pie.  Next year, I won’t sprinkle the already made pie crust with sea salt because the pie crust was already salted.  Good tip.

Au jus

Blister almost shit her pants when she saw the fat drippings I used to make this au jus.  Do not use as much red wine as suggested, it gives the au jus a tangy aftertaste. I also made some sour cream horseradish sauce for the prime rib but forgot to take a picture.

Blister made the creamed corn and was, again, shocked by the bacon grease required to give this corn a smokey flavor.

BBQ Baked Beans

I made these baked beans for my dad thinking it was his favorite, but he barely touched them.  No more Christmas baked beans.

Gingered Carrots

I left these carrots in the oven 15 minutes too long.  The ends got slightly burned.  I cut the tips off and ate the rest.  (That’s what she said.)

After stuffing our faces with nearly 3,000 calories, we opened our gifts.  Look at what Santa brought me.

I was very good this year.
The lazy bitch eventually jumped off the pillows, but look at how the lazy bitch wrapped himself up in cashmere.

I love Christmas!

Donut Man

10 Jun

After Bubby and I met with our officiant to discuss the details of our wedding ceremony, we wanted to treat ourselves to a nice reward.  Donuts.  Last week was National Donut Day (the first Friday of June) and to me, National Donut Day is the equivalent to Christmas.  And did anyone bring me any presents on my favorite holiday?!!   No.  Fuckers.  So I decided to buy my own holiday gift of freshly fried dough at Donut Man.

Bubby said “Jim” looks like Peter Griffin.  Totally true.

I’ve heard good things about the strawberry donuts at Donut Man.  It’s even on Jonathan Gold’s list of “99 Things to Eat in L.A. Before You Die.”  I keep a copy of that list in my office and have almost checked off the entire list.  I agree with some of his choices, not all.  I’ll make a list of my own.

After a long drive to BFE, we finally arrived.  Donut Man is located next to a gym which is hilarious.  I couldn’t wait to devour my strawberry donut in front of the fat guy running for his life on the treadmill.  That, to me, is the true meaning of National Donut Day.  We walked toward the Donut Man, and the air smelled like a state fair.  It smelled like fresh funnel cakes.  So happy.

Donut Man is not a restaurant, it’s a walk-up counter with lots of donuts on display.  Immediately you notice the array of sugary treats.

The “world famous” strawberry donuts.

The tiger tails.

The apple cinnamon.

The chocolate dong donuts.

Bubby and I ordered one tiger tail, one chocolate dong donut, one apple cinnamon, one cinnamon crumble, one glazed, and one world famous strawberry.  I wanted to order the cream cheese donuts, but they were sold out.  Rats!

The tiger tail donut was actually really good.  Soft and chewy with swirls of chocolate in it.  I don’t really like chocolate donuts, but this is the perfect amount.  I didn’t eat the chocolate dong so Bubby should leave his review in the comments section.

The apple cinnamon was way too sweet for me.  Bubby loved it, but I was not a fan.  It was overly gelatinous.

I loved the cinnamon crumble donut.  When I bit down into it, the top and bottom layer of the donut touched which shows how soft and chewy the dough actually is.

The golden child: the strawberry donut.  This donut is more like a pastry because you have to eat it with a fork.  The strawberries were fresh and the glaze wasn’t too thick or gelatinous.  It was pretty good … world famous good?  Not really.  But definitely worth trying.  Now would I drive all the way to BFE for it, probably not.

And finally, the glazed donut.  I can’t accurately judge the glazed donut because Bubby nuked it in the microwave for 25 seconds which is way too long.  Everyone knows there’s scientific proof that the perfectly nuked donut takes 9 seconds.  I still ate it, but I can’t recommend it since it was tainted evidence.  Blame Bubby for his rookie microwave skills.

I give Donut Man 4 claps.  Had they been freshly fried, I probably would have given them a perfect score.

Donut Man
915 E Rt 66
Glendora, CA

Mélisse

15 Feb

I hate Valentine’s day.  I love the day, but I hate dining out on the day.  Several years ago on a Valentine’s day, Bubby took me to Michael Mina in San Francisco.  I love Michael Mina.  The food was incredible at the Michael Mina in Las Vegas, so I was extremely excited to try the Michael Mina in San Francisco for Valentine’s day.  When we got to the restaurant, the tables were so closely placed, that the couple next to us was basically sitting on our laps.  I understand restaurants are trying to seat as many tables for their overly priced prix fixe menu but this was absurd.  But for some delicious food, I don’t even mind having another couple sit on our laps.  The main reason I hate dining out on Valentine’s day is because I cannot stand the lovey dovey couples making out at dinner.  It’s inappropriate and makes me lose my appetite.  I understand it’s the day of love and a little bit of hand holding and public displays of affection are the norm.  But if you are sitting side by side with your legs weaved together and making out, I hate you.  (Side Note: I love asking couples how they sit at a table in a restaurant.  If couples sit side by side, the man is into the woman’s body.  If couples sit across from each other, he’s into her mind.  If she sits on his lap, they’re just horny.)

So for Valentine’s day, I love going out on February 13, National Mistress Day.  February 13 is National Mistress Day because everyone has to celebrate Valentine’s day with their husbands and wives.  Since the actual day is reserved for legitimate partners, February 13 is the next best thing for adulterers.  I love going out on this day because I love to judge all the adulterers.  It’s like being in a live version of a telenovela.  I’m also praying that one day, an angry wife will storm into the restaurant and catch her adulterous husband feeding black truffles and caviar to his mistress.  Hasn’t happened yet, but it will.

For our mistress meal, Bubby took me to Mélisse –one of the two restaurants in LA with 2 Michelin stars.  The other being Providence.  The Michelin ranking system is that one star indicates a “very good cuisine in its category”, a two-star ranking represents “excellent cuisine, worth a detour,” and three stars are awarded to restaurants offering “exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey”.  I don’t give Michelin stars much thought because they are not alway accurate.

Our meal took two hours.  The service was slow and the wait time between courses took a long time.  I think the restaurant wanted us to enjoy the moment but I just got really sleepy.  The bread man finally arrived and provided an array of breads including olive, sourdough, dinner roll, brioche, among others.  Bubby loved the brioche.  He ate like 5 of them.  I asked for some brioche and gave it to Bubby.  He said, “And that’s why I’m marrying you.”

The amuse bouche: Red grapes covered in goat cheese and pistachios

These pictures are really dark because they sat us where there was no lighting.   I love grapes and cheese so this was a nice refreshing starter.  Bubby hates goat cheese, so I ate two.  More for me, I win.

The second amuse bouche: Orange slice with olives and some kind of orange and pistachio gelée

This was served warm.  I did not care for it.  I do not like the gelatinous texture.  The flavor was okay.

While waiting for our first course to be served, the couple sitting next to us was definitely having an affair.  Bubby leaned in closer to their table and reported, “… they’re talking about adultery… something about a marriage’s vitriol … yeah … definitely … other woman.”  Homeboy was leaning so close to their table that he almost fell over.  And I said, “And that’s why I’m marrying you.”

First Course: Bubby ordered the “Hot and Cold Foie Gras” Artichoke, Mandarin and Lavender

The foie gras on the left is the cold version and the foie gras on the right was the hot version.  This dish was blessed by little baby Jesus.  He walked from heaven on his baby legs and blessed this dish.  The cold foie gras was creamy and the hot foie gras was succulent and warm like a hug from the inside.  I cried a little.

For my First Course I ordered the Blue Fin Tuna Abalone Gelee, Shiitake Mushrooms, Fennel and Fingerlime

This dish was super gelatinous and oceany.  I do not like the smell or taste of the ocean in seafood.  If I did, I’d be a lesbian.  This dish was not for me.  I had one bite and gave the rest to Bubby.

Second Course: We both ordered the Maine Lobster Bolognese Fresh Capellini, Truffle Froth

Why must they ruin a good thing with froth? Every time Marcelle from Top Chef adds froth, it looks like cat spit and makes me want to flip the table like a New Jersey housewife.  I don’t care if it’s truffle froth or liquid gold froth, it looks like Miso’s vomit when he throws up on an empty stomach –just pure bile.  Besides the froth, the pasta texture was soft and really good and the lobster should have been cut in bigger pieces. But overall, this dish was so salty.  Super salt lick salty.  I had to down 2 glasses of water after I ate it.

Third Course: We both ordered the Filet of Beef and Braised Cheek Crushed Potatoes, Morel Mushrooms, Béarnaise, Natural jus

The upper left corner: crushed potatoes
The upper right corner: braised cheek
The lower right corner: filet of beef on a bed of morel mushrooms in natural jus
The lower left corner: fried Béarnaise

The braised cheek and filet of beef were so salty.  And in the corner of the plate? More salt.

You know when food is so salty it cuts up the sides of your tongue?  I felt that.  It was like a salt bomb exploded in my mouth.  And by this time in the meal, I had already drank like 6 glasses of water.  The crushed potatoes were bland and Bubby said, “It’s like the potato salad you get at Ralph’s.”  Ouch.  The braised cheek was tender and flaked off with a fork and the filet was perfectly medium-well just like I requested.  I enjoyed the texture of the mushrooms, too.  But the best in show was the super fried Béarnaise.  Once you cracked it open, the sauce oozed out.  So creamy and dreamy.

Love.

Dessert: Assorted Mélisse Dessert

The dessert theme was chocolate and strawberries.  How fitting.  In the foreground, was a pastry of gelatinous strawberry and chocolate layers.  Back left is more strawberries in chocolate with chocolate ice cream next to it with liquid nitrogen blasted strawberries.  The strawberries were good, the chocolate? I’m not sure.  I don’t like chocolate.  Bubby ate the chocolate so ask him how the chocolate was.

On the other side of our table, was douchebag‘s sister.

Why are all these Asians bringing their big ass cameras into restaurants?  When did this become okay?  Her pictures are probably better than mine so maybe the joke’s on me.

Would I give Mélisse 2 Michelin stars? Absolutely not.  I would barely give Mélisse one fat Asian Michelin baby.

Yes, that’s me in all of my roll glory.

I give Mélisse 3 slow claps + One fat Asian Michelin baby because of the foie gras.

Mélisse
1104 Wilshire Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA