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Maui, Hawaii Part 2

15 Mar

During the difficult times at work, I like to fondly think of my time in Maui. At one point during our trip, Bubby and I had a serious conversation about moving to Hawaii and opening a shrimp truck called Miso’s.  But of course Bubby the buzz kill killed my shrimp truck dreams. At least we should try to visit every year. And every year I’m going to eat this French toast at Kihei Caffe (yes, two “f”s).

Banana macadamia nut French toast

This is the best French toast I have ever had.  Thick slices of crispy sweet bread, thick banana slices, crunchy macadamia nuts, drizzled with maple syrup and the house coconut syrup.

All of the components in one bite made me preach.  “I feel good! I feel good, because I know there’s a God somewhere! There’s a God somewhere! You know there’s a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this!” Name that movie.

Bubby ordered the pork fried rice loco moco.

The pork fried rice inspired me to make a kimchi pork fried rice loco moco, and everything is better with kimchi. But even without the kimchi, this dish was savory and the perfect salty pairing to my French toast.  Kihei Caffe is a caloric dream come true.  While reveling in our food fantasy, we were suddenly disturbed by a gang of birds.

And the king of the bird gang, Rufio! Ruf-i-oooooooooooooo!

We got the hell out of the crossfire of Rufio’s gang, and went to Charley Young Beach so I could rub my belly in peace.

And at this beach, Poseidon summoned me once again. And in true Hawaiian tradition, I donated my favorite Rayban sunglasses to Poseidon.  Every time I go to Hawaii, Poseidon takes what it wants.  Seven years ago, it was my Juicy Couture red jumper and Ipod.  What was my jumper and Ipod doing in the ocean? Or better yet, why the hell was I wearing Juicy Couture?!  It was seven years ago, and it was a cute ass beach jumper.  Seven years ago, Bubby and I placed our belongings in a locker.  Bubby pinned the locker key to his board shorts while we took surfing lessons.  While Poseidon tossed us around wildly, the locker key unfastened from Bubby’s shorts.  Assuming we lost the key and needed the office to open our locker, we noticed our locker was wide open and empty.  Someone had found our key and stole our possessions, including Bubby’s wallet, our towels, and book.  We walked back to our hotel soaking wet with shame, almost nude, pissed as fuck at Poseidon.  Damn you, Poseidon.  I hope you are rocking the shit outta my shades.

Because there was so much to eat and so little time, we went to Foodland –the best grocery store in the land.  While Kroger (I call every grocery store Kroger) sells rotisserie chickens, Foodland sells spam musubi, ahi poke, and my favorite, spicy raw crab!.

Look at this big ass avocado!

You can also see how the humidity in Hawaii is helping my winter’s eczema, too.

For dinner, Bubby and I went to Mama’s Fish House, a very popular restaurant in Maui.  The restaurant faces the beautiful ocean view and provided a very romantic atmosphere.

Macadamia nut crab cakes

I love crab cakes and cannot wait to go to Baltimore to eat some authentic cakes and to take The Wire tour.  These crab cakes definitely had nice chunks of crab, more crab than breading which is essential for a good CRAB cake.  The tomato relish provided a nice spicy and cool hint of flavor to the meaty cakes.

Opakapaka in lime and coconut milk served in a fresh coconut (Tahitian ceviche)

I asked for extra limes and drowned the shit out of the Hawaiian pink snapper.  I scraped the coconut flesh off the shell and mixed the gelatinous shavings with the ceviche.  This ceviche is making my mouth water as I type these damn words.

Bouillabaisse Mahimahi, lobster, shrimp, scallop and shellfish simmered in a saffron broth, with garlic rouille

Isn’t this picture the most beautiful bowl of underwater treasures?  As you can imagine, the seafood in Hawaii is fresh fo’ sho’.  The scallops were the size of silver dollars and as thick as marshmallows.  There was so much seafood in this dish that every spoonful contained several different types of seafood. My only issue with this dish was that I don’t think the pasta is made from scratch.  If Mama made fresh pasta, this dish would be the best dish of the trip especially since I rationed the garlic bread to last throughout the entire meal.

And to remind myself that I’m on vacation, I make sure the following happen.  I don’t wear makeup.  I must consume a fruity beverage with an umbrella  in it.  And I eat dessert after every meal.  Yes, every meal.  Ergo, ladies and gentlemen I introduce you to Ono Gelato.  The best fuckin’ gelato I have ever had.  Yes, I’ve never had gelato from Italy, but I don’t think I’ll have to.

Coconut is the shit.  But add some strawberry into the swirl, and I was immediately doing my happy dance while wiggling my toes.  Bubby even asked, “Are your toes dancing for gelato?”  Yes, Goddamit. Don’t judge me.  Best. gelato. ever.

Okay, I just gained five pounds writing this shit.

Kihei Caffe
1945 South Kihei Road
Kihei, HI

Mama’s Fish House
799 Poho Place
Paia, HI

Ono Gelato
1280 South Kihei Road
Kihei, HI

Ono Gelato
115 Hana Hwy # D
Paia, HI

Ono Gelato
815 Front Street
Lahaina, HI

We went to two out of the three Ono Gelato locations, and I give 5 slow mothafuckin claps.


Maui, Hawaii Part 1

24 Jan

I’m 31 today. I have been drinking legally for 10 years today. A full decade of buying my own liquor. No stealing Blister’s ID to sneak into clubs and memorizing that she’s an Aries and graduated from high school in 1996 just in case the bouncer asks. No paying that significantly older guy in the circle of friends to buy everyone’s liquor. Isn’t it weird that every high school crew had that one older friend who always hung out with the high school kids when he was like a hard 27? Anyway, I’m 31. To celebrate my 21st tenth year anniversary, Bubby took me to Maui. It was either Maui or theYSL bag I had my eye on for the last few months. And sinceYSL can’t give me a tan, loco moco, or four days off of work … Aloha, baby.

We are staying at the Makena Resort, south of Wailea. Here’s our view from our balcony. Golf course on the left and ocean on the right.

Since Bubby and I were working until the minute we boarded our plane, we didn’t know what to expect. We figured Maui was like Honolulu and everything was within walking distance. It’s not. You must rent a car and don’t wait until the last minute to rent one because the lady working at Enterprise will laugh in your face and let you know that all car rentals are gone for the entire island. Luckily, Budget at the Grand Wailea had 2 cars left. A convertible or the jeep. We chose this bad boy:

That’s right. Cherry red stang. Man, driving in Hawaii with the top down, sun on your shoulders, and wind in your hair makes one feel like a teenage boy full of testosterone. If Bubby was a teenage girl, I’d take her in the back seat and pop her cherry in my cherry stang. But Bubby is 30 so I turned up the Phil Collins and belt out an obligatory, older lady’s “woo hoo!”

I was itchin’ for some poke so we drove to The Fish Market in Lahaina. I requested that he make mine spicy.

The ahi is super fresh and the spicy soy sauce, onions, green onions, vinegar sauce was perfect. This is the perfect snack because it’s light, spicy, and savory. For lunch, Bubby ordered the ahi burger and I ordered a Hawaiian white fish (I can’t remember the name because I have vacay brain) with a side of mac salad.

I poured the left over poke sauce on my fish because it lacked flavor. Bubby disliked the onion bun on his burger.  The next time I come to The Fish Market, I’ll order a full pound of the spicy poke on a bed of rice. I’m a simple girl. After we stuffed our faces,we went to Kapua beach. Here’s Bubby lost at sea.

This beach looks nice but had rocks scattered all over the bottom of the ocean, making it difficult to squeeze the sand between my monkey toes. The ocean temperature is a lot colder than the ocean in Waikiki but it’s probably because the masses in Waikiki are probably pissing in the ocean and raising its overall temperature. And for that, I can handle fripples.

I’ve been to Hawaii several times but have never been to a Hawaiian lu’au. Bubby made reservations for us at Old Lahaina Lu’au and you can imagine my surprise when all of the waiters looked like this:

And this:

I immediately sent these photos to Blister and she responded with a “DAYUM! Which lu’au did you go to … chippendales Maui.” Yes, Blister. DAYUM, indeed. I couldn’t stop staring at the waiters, especially the ones with the tatted sleeves. My gawking was a level 10 that Bubby agreed to get a tattoo as long as it was original and meaningful. Happy birthday to me.

The buffet at the lu’au offered your typical Hawaiian options. They even dug out the swine from the ground.  The recurring theme for me in Hawaii was to stack my plate with so much food that it resembles a trough.

DAMN IT! My stupid Ipad just ate the rest of my blog post.  STUPID IPAD. I basically broke down every single item on this plate in a clockwise fashion and now it’s gone.  STUPID IPAD.  Speaking of Ipad, we were sitting on the beach in Maui and I told Bubby, “Oh no, there is so much sand in my Ipad … that’s annoying.”  And my smart-ass husband muttered, “White people problems.”

Anyway, I also wrote a long love letter to the guava/strawberry butter at the lu’au. I was raving on and on about how decadent this magical butter tasted to my husband, and this rude girl sitting across from us (1) overheard our conversation and (2) stuck her dirty ass finger through my precious butter. WHAT THE WHAT?!  Kids are so rude these days.  After licking her dirty ass finger she looked at me and nodded, “it is good.”  Damn Omar Little, jackin’ my shit.

In sum, the lu’au had tasty butter, chicken long rice (the noodles in the small black cup), and tattooed eye candy.

The Fish Market
3600 L. Honoapiilani Road
Lahaina, Hawaii
(the poke deserves 5 fresh claps but the other dishes deserve 2)

Old Lahaina Lu’au
1251 Front Street
Lahaina, Hawaii
(the food deserves 2 claps but the staff deserves a standing ovation and 6 claps symbolizing their 6-pack abs, Good morning!)

Gordon Ramsay at The London

26 Jan

I’ve been to London before, and it was one of the scariest vacations of my life.  The food is obviously bad.  The people are not so friendly.  One time, I whistled for a cab, a cab pulled over, I opened the door, and the fuckface inside of the car slammed the door shut as he pulled out his pounds out of his wallet.  After handing the money over to the cab driver, he walks out of the cab and gives me the stink eye from hell.  I looked at him and said, “Fuck you” with the harshest American accent I could find in my accent bank.

In London, I stayed with my friend, Maymay, who was living in London at the time.  She had invited another friend for some New Year’s Eve debauchery.  That friend had a mental breakdown, and I ended up stuck in the attic like a bad V.C. Andrews novel.

For my birthday dinner, Bubby made reservations for us at Gordon Ramsay at The London.  Interesting choice.  One Michelin star, I agreed to go.  Coincidentally, this week is Dine LA.  Dine LA Restaurant Week allows you to explore new restaurants with a prix fixe menu for a fixed price.  They are excellent deals and usually offer the best off of the regular menu.

The Dine LA menu seemed tasty so we opted for that.  Bubby and I selected different appetizers, entrées, and desserts.  We are very competitive in our ordering skills.  We try to select the best meal and sometimes Bubby is super awesome at ordering and sometimes not.  Let’s see who ordered best.

My choice: Prawn and Lemongrass Soup with mint, basil, and udon noodles
Bubby’s choice: Braised Shortrib Risotto with root vegetables, mascarpone cheese


I definitely expected some fat prawns in my soup.  No prawns.  Not even skinny ones.  Bamboozled!  The broth was nice and was Thai-inspired with the lemongrass flavor. The udon noodles were like the instant packaged kind that Blister loves to buy at Ralphs.  I did not touch the mint or butter lettuce, which was completely random.

Bubby’s selection was amazing.  The risotto was rich, creamy, and full of mascarpone cheese.  The shortribs were soft, tender, and glazed with the perfect amount of sauce.  This would be the perfect dish for a cold rainy day.

For the win: Bubby.

My Choice: Caramelized Sea Scallops with Saffron and Manila Clam Chowder
Bubby’s Choice: Braised Pork “Osso Buco” Style with Cheddar Cheese Polenta, Trumpet Royale Mushrooms


The sea scallops were nicely seared.  I couldn’t stop laughing while eating them because of Fabio’s comment to Jamie on Top Chef, “Dees eez not Top Scallup, deez eez top chef.”  Jamie totally sucks.  The scallops were fresh and the clams were soft and well cooked.  I really enjoyed the deconstructed clam chowder.  The braised pork was slightly gamey and needed more sauce to glaze a lot of the dry pieces of meat.  The polenta needed more cheese, a lot more cheese to be considered cheddar cheese polenta.  I definitely thought my dish was better until I bit into sand.  Yes, sand!!!! I don’t know if it’s from the clams or the scallops but there was sand in my mouth.  And when I told the waiter, I had sand in my dinner, his response was, “Oh, that’s weird.”  What?!!! You better take something off my bill for that sand, give me another dessert, or at least give me some more bread.  Nothing, but a “Oh, that’s weird.”  Ass.  Fuck the discount, dessert, or free bread.  Give me your Michelin star.  Are they just giving these stars away like condoms outside an RA’s room???  For shame.

For the Win: Bubby.

My Choice: Raspberry Vacherin and Vaniila Bean Ice Cream
Bubby’s Choice:  Valrhona Dark Chocolate Crunch


My dessert was fantastic.  The cream and the hidden vanilla bean ice cream inside with the fresh raspberries felt like summer in January.  The crisp meringue was a little too hard and I expected it to soften from the ice cream.  The meringue was the only thing that remained on my plate.  Bubby said his dessert was the “best dessert I’ve had in a long time.”  He said it was a great interpretation of Ferrero Rocher chocolates on a plate.  He slow clapped it after he was done.

For the win: Bubby.

Bubby won this round in the fine art of menu selecting.  But we’ll see who wins in Vegas this weekend.

Although the food was mediocre, the restaurant was nicely decorated –modern chic.  A lot of Asians were dining on this night which Bubby so astutely observed.  Bubby said it’s because Asians know how to find a good deal.  True.  And there was this Dbag seated at the table next to us.  The tables are placed so close to each other that I could hear everything he was saying.  Instead of discreetly taking pictures of his food with his phone like I do, he busted this out:

It was hilariously ridiculous.  And then he upped his douchebaggery by passing out his business card to his two female companions.  He had a body shot of himself on his business card.  Bubby said, “He looks like a real estate agent, why would he need a body shot?”  What profession would require any kind of body shot on a business card?  And then, he started making bullshit comments about the wine and his knowledge of wine.  He is so fucking LA, I want to punch him.

After conferring with my attorney, Nibs, he informed me that none of the 11 people who read my blog will sue me so here is the photo of Dbag.  Enjoy.  And if you know him, tell him his pretentious ass makes me want to pull every single hair out of his Fu Manchu goatee.

I’ll give Gordon Ramsay 3 slow claps out of 5.  I’m feeling generous today.

Gordon Ramsay at The London
1020 N. San Vicente Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA