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Maui, Hawaii Part 2

15 Mar

During the difficult times at work, I like to fondly think of my time in Maui. At one point during our trip, Bubby and I had a serious conversation about moving to Hawaii and opening a shrimp truck called Miso’s.  But of course Bubby the buzz kill killed my shrimp truck dreams. At least we should try to visit every year. And every year I’m going to eat this French toast at Kihei Caffe (yes, two “f”s).

Banana macadamia nut French toast

This is the best French toast I have ever had.  Thick slices of crispy sweet bread, thick banana slices, crunchy macadamia nuts, drizzled with maple syrup and the house coconut syrup.

All of the components in one bite made me preach.  “I feel good! I feel good, because I know there’s a God somewhere! There’s a God somewhere! You know there’s a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this!” Name that movie.

Bubby ordered the pork fried rice loco moco.

The pork fried rice inspired me to make a kimchi pork fried rice loco moco, and everything is better with kimchi. But even without the kimchi, this dish was savory and the perfect salty pairing to my French toast.  Kihei Caffe is a caloric dream come true.  While reveling in our food fantasy, we were suddenly disturbed by a gang of birds.

And the king of the bird gang, Rufio! Ruf-i-oooooooooooooo!

We got the hell out of the crossfire of Rufio’s gang, and went to Charley Young Beach so I could rub my belly in peace.

And at this beach, Poseidon summoned me once again. And in true Hawaiian tradition, I donated my favorite Rayban sunglasses to Poseidon.  Every time I go to Hawaii, Poseidon takes what it wants.  Seven years ago, it was my Juicy Couture red jumper and Ipod.  What was my jumper and Ipod doing in the ocean? Or better yet, why the hell was I wearing Juicy Couture?!  It was seven years ago, and it was a cute ass beach jumper.  Seven years ago, Bubby and I placed our belongings in a locker.  Bubby pinned the locker key to his board shorts while we took surfing lessons.  While Poseidon tossed us around wildly, the locker key unfastened from Bubby’s shorts.  Assuming we lost the key and needed the office to open our locker, we noticed our locker was wide open and empty.  Someone had found our key and stole our possessions, including Bubby’s wallet, our towels, and book.  We walked back to our hotel soaking wet with shame, almost nude, pissed as fuck at Poseidon.  Damn you, Poseidon.  I hope you are rocking the shit outta my shades.

Because there was so much to eat and so little time, we went to Foodland –the best grocery store in the land.  While Kroger (I call every grocery store Kroger) sells rotisserie chickens, Foodland sells spam musubi, ahi poke, and my favorite, spicy raw crab!.

Look at this big ass avocado!

You can also see how the humidity in Hawaii is helping my winter’s eczema, too.

For dinner, Bubby and I went to Mama’s Fish House, a very popular restaurant in Maui.  The restaurant faces the beautiful ocean view and provided a very romantic atmosphere.

Macadamia nut crab cakes

I love crab cakes and cannot wait to go to Baltimore to eat some authentic cakes and to take The Wire tour.  These crab cakes definitely had nice chunks of crab, more crab than breading which is essential for a good CRAB cake.  The tomato relish provided a nice spicy and cool hint of flavor to the meaty cakes.

Opakapaka in lime and coconut milk served in a fresh coconut (Tahitian ceviche)

I asked for extra limes and drowned the shit out of the Hawaiian pink snapper.  I scraped the coconut flesh off the shell and mixed the gelatinous shavings with the ceviche.  This ceviche is making my mouth water as I type these damn words.

Bouillabaisse Mahimahi, lobster, shrimp, scallop and shellfish simmered in a saffron broth, with garlic rouille

Isn’t this picture the most beautiful bowl of underwater treasures?  As you can imagine, the seafood in Hawaii is fresh fo’ sho’.  The scallops were the size of silver dollars and as thick as marshmallows.  There was so much seafood in this dish that every spoonful contained several different types of seafood. My only issue with this dish was that I don’t think the pasta is made from scratch.  If Mama made fresh pasta, this dish would be the best dish of the trip especially since I rationed the garlic bread to last throughout the entire meal.

And to remind myself that I’m on vacation, I make sure the following happen.  I don’t wear makeup.  I must consume a fruity beverage with an umbrella  in it.  And I eat dessert after every meal.  Yes, every meal.  Ergo, ladies and gentlemen I introduce you to Ono Gelato.  The best fuckin’ gelato I have ever had.  Yes, I’ve never had gelato from Italy, but I don’t think I’ll have to.

Coconut is the shit.  But add some strawberry into the swirl, and I was immediately doing my happy dance while wiggling my toes.  Bubby even asked, “Are your toes dancing for gelato?”  Yes, Goddamit. Don’t judge me.  Best. gelato. ever.

Okay, I just gained five pounds writing this shit.

Kihei Caffe
1945 South Kihei Road
Kihei, HI

Mama’s Fish House
799 Poho Place
Paia, HI

Ono Gelato
1280 South Kihei Road
Kihei, HI

Ono Gelato
115 Hana Hwy # D
Paia, HI

Ono Gelato
815 Front Street
Lahaina, HI

We went to two out of the three Ono Gelato locations, and I give 5 slow mothafuckin claps.


I left my heart in San Francisco

13 Mar

Since Blister’s in the Philippines for new year’s eve, we couldn’t go to our annual new year’s trip to Glen Ivy. So this year, Bubby and I went to San Francisco, the city where we fell in love. Our first date was at Palomino in Embarcadero. The food was not particularly good, but I was nervous. We were friends for so long and ate together all the time, but on this January 30th day, 7 years ago, I had butterflies in my stomach. After dinner, he held my hand as we walked along the pier. I was jumping on and off of the stoops, and he held my hand for my “safety” so I wouldn’t fall. It was more like a slicker version of the “yawn and reach” technique at the movie theater. Since that day, we just knew we were meant to be together. No DTR conversations, no “where do we stand?” inquiries, no “it’s complicated” relationship status. We just knew we were together and have never broken up since. Sure, there are times when he’s my greatest enemy and I want to punch him hard in the balls, but most days he’s my best friend.

Going back to San Francisco is always a treat. I love walking down the dirty streets of my old hood, the Tenderloin. Stepping on spit, fecal matter, and used needles never felt so good–kind of like an urban version of Dorothy and her yellow brick road. Although my brick road is stained yellow from urine– both animal and human. I also love going back to San Fran for the food. Always for the food.

Our hotel was located in Fisherman’s Wharf, a tourist trap.  The best part of this tourist trap is Trish’s Mini Donuts.  These fried rings are worth the six-hour drive from LA.  Every time I go to SF, I always try to fight the tourist trap traffic just to get my hands on these fried babies.

They are liberally showered in cinnamon sugar which eventually melts into the super hot fried dough.  I have never ordered a tub of these mini donuts, but one day I will.  Cha-longe!!!

On New Year’s day, we decided to go to Brenda’s, the only Cajun restaurant in the Tenderloin.  As a former Houstonian, I love Cajun food.  We decided to go on New Year’s day assuming the crowd would be hung over in bed.  On our walk to Brenda’s, we noticed some stragglers still partying at noon the next day.

I cannot remember the last time I partied until the sun came up. I feel old.

As we walked towards Brenda’s this is what I saw.

Oh hell no.  That line is not cute.  We had to wait for an hour and 45 minutes.  Bubby had been before, and he made me wait for my crawdads.  And dammit, he had me at crawdads.

After watching every crazy homeless person pass by, some familiar faces and some new, our table was finally ready.  The restaurant is packed with tables only two inches apart from each other.  I immediately ordered the watermelon iced tea to ease my anxiety and claustrophobia.

Sometimes sweet tea outside of the south can be way too sweet.  But this watermelon iced tea was perfectly cool and sweet. It reminded me of a hot Houston day and the smell of fresh-cut green grass.

Crawfish beignets with cayenne, scallions, and cheddar

Brenda’s serves several different kinds of beignets including plain with powdered sugar, apple, chocolate.  I ordered crawfish because I love crawfish.  The beignets are served hot, fluffy, and they collapsed with the pressure from my fork.  As I broke into the dough, the melted cheese oozed out.  Unfortunately, the ratio of crawfish to dough is off.  I expected large chunks of crawfish, but there were probably three small ones swimming in cheese in each pocket of dough.

I ordered the grillades and grits, and Bubby ordered the fried catfish eggs benedict.

The beef cutlets in the grillades and grits was tough and difficult to chew.  The grits were fluffy clouds perfectly buttered and smothered in cheddar cheese.  Nothing makes my belly smile more than buttered grits and cheese.  Bubby’s catfish eggs benedict was not as good as we imagined, but the biscuit was slap yo’ mama good.  That biscuit was it.   Would I wait two hours for it? Probably not.

Bubby and I needed to burn some serious Cajun calories, so I dragged him to Union Square for some serious shopping.  While in Union Square, Bubby and I always have to eat at King of Thai Noodle.  It’s not fancy Thai food, but serves really good roast duck.

Bubby always orders the duck fried rice with a fried egg on top, and I order the duck noodle soup.

Simple.  Duck.  Noodles.  Soup.  Peppers.  Good.
I haven’t tried the other dishes because there really is no need to.  This is the only dish I order every time.

The next day, I dragged Bubby to Hog Island Oyster Co.  I had a serious craving for oysters.  But once again, we hit another damn line.

The wait was not as bad as Brenda’s, probably 30 minutes total.  I ordered fresh lemonade to prep my taste buds.

We ordered both fresh and baked oysters.  The fresh ones included Hog Island Sweetwaters, Hog Island Atlantics, Sand Isle Kumamotos, Chelsea Gems, and Island Creeks.

These fresh oysters were thick and smooth as they slid down my throat.  The kumamotos had a slight “oceany” tang which I let Bubby enjoy.

The baked oysters were actually as tasty as the fresh ones to my surprise.

The Casino and Tarragon oysters were so flavorful.  The only bad thing about them was that there were only four.

The clam chowder

The clam chowder is not your typical clam chowder.  It’s not thick, but light and milky.  I added a splash of fresh lemon juice which really brightened the taste of the clams.  I loved dipping my grilled cheese into the chowder broth.

The crunchy sourdough bread and the stringy cheese dipped into the milkiness wonder of the clam chowder felt like a perfect hug from the inside on a cold January San Francisco day.  The pickled vegetables, cauliflower and carrots, added a nice acidic note to the entire meal.

As we walked back to our car to head home, we picked up some road trip treats in the Ferry Building.  Miette’s macarons and Blue Bottle Coffee Co.’s cappuccino.

The vanilla was way better than the chocolate.  Even Bubby, chocolate lover, agreed.

And for the last damn time, a San Franciscan line at the Blue Bottle Coffee Co.

Good strong caffeinated drinks.  Too bad it wasn’t strong enough to keep me awake during our car ride back to LA.  I always fall asleep in the car like a behbeh.

Goodbye, San Francisco.  I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for this beautiful city.  Where else could you find an Asian family all dressed in matching puffer jackets?

Trish’s Mini Donuts
Embarcadero Pier 39, Bldg B
San Francisco, CA

652 Polk St
San Francisco, CA

King of Thai Noodle
184 O’Farrell St
San Francisco, CA

(duck noodle soup only)

Hog Island Oyster Co.
1 Ferry Bldg
San Francisco, CA

Miette Patisserie
1 Ferry Bldg
San Francisco, CA

Blue Bottle Coffee Co.
1 Ferry Bldg
San Francisco, CA

Donut Man

10 Jun

After Bubby and I met with our officiant to discuss the details of our wedding ceremony, we wanted to treat ourselves to a nice reward.  Donuts.  Last week was National Donut Day (the first Friday of June) and to me, National Donut Day is the equivalent to Christmas.  And did anyone bring me any presents on my favorite holiday?!!   No.  Fuckers.  So I decided to buy my own holiday gift of freshly fried dough at Donut Man.

Bubby said “Jim” looks like Peter Griffin.  Totally true.

I’ve heard good things about the strawberry donuts at Donut Man.  It’s even on Jonathan Gold’s list of “99 Things to Eat in L.A. Before You Die.”  I keep a copy of that list in my office and have almost checked off the entire list.  I agree with some of his choices, not all.  I’ll make a list of my own.

After a long drive to BFE, we finally arrived.  Donut Man is located next to a gym which is hilarious.  I couldn’t wait to devour my strawberry donut in front of the fat guy running for his life on the treadmill.  That, to me, is the true meaning of National Donut Day.  We walked toward the Donut Man, and the air smelled like a state fair.  It smelled like fresh funnel cakes.  So happy.

Donut Man is not a restaurant, it’s a walk-up counter with lots of donuts on display.  Immediately you notice the array of sugary treats.

The “world famous” strawberry donuts.

The tiger tails.

The apple cinnamon.

The chocolate dong donuts.

Bubby and I ordered one tiger tail, one chocolate dong donut, one apple cinnamon, one cinnamon crumble, one glazed, and one world famous strawberry.  I wanted to order the cream cheese donuts, but they were sold out.  Rats!

The tiger tail donut was actually really good.  Soft and chewy with swirls of chocolate in it.  I don’t really like chocolate donuts, but this is the perfect amount.  I didn’t eat the chocolate dong so Bubby should leave his review in the comments section.

The apple cinnamon was way too sweet for me.  Bubby loved it, but I was not a fan.  It was overly gelatinous.

I loved the cinnamon crumble donut.  When I bit down into it, the top and bottom layer of the donut touched which shows how soft and chewy the dough actually is.

The golden child: the strawberry donut.  This donut is more like a pastry because you have to eat it with a fork.  The strawberries were fresh and the glaze wasn’t too thick or gelatinous.  It was pretty good … world famous good?  Not really.  But definitely worth trying.  Now would I drive all the way to BFE for it, probably not.

And finally, the glazed donut.  I can’t accurately judge the glazed donut because Bubby nuked it in the microwave for 25 seconds which is way too long.  Everyone knows there’s scientific proof that the perfectly nuked donut takes 9 seconds.  I still ate it, but I can’t recommend it since it was tainted evidence.  Blame Bubby for his rookie microwave skills.

I give Donut Man 4 claps.  Had they been freshly fried, I probably would have given them a perfect score.

Donut Man
915 E Rt 66
Glendora, CA


8 Jun

To celebrate our last pre-marital class, Bubby and I went to Marston’s for brunch. Basically, Bubby and I were the class clowns. While others took copious notes and intently studied the PowerPoint presentation, Bubby and I were always late, laughed at inappropriate times, and made fun of the other couples for being lame. At one point, Bubby and I didn’t have a pen and asked the neighboring couple to borrow one of their ten pens but they were really salty about letting us borrow one.  Fuckers.  They won’t last anyway.

So to celebrate our awesomeness and not having to wake up so damn early every Sunday morning, we eat.

There was a slight wait when we arrived but only waited for 15 minutes. We sat in the waiting area outside and enjoyed the sunny view.

After our brief wait, we sat on the patio and ordered fresh orange juice.  So it turns out that I may have an orange allergy.  Every time I eat oranges or drink orange juice, I get hives. Such a damn shame because nothing tastes better than a tall cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.  Damn allergies killin’ my food game.  The freshly squeezed orange juice was sweet and refreshing.  Worth every single hive.

After perusing the menu, Bubby decided to order an Andouille sausage with over easy eggs and buttered toast.  I ordered the pulled pork eggs benedict and we decided to share corn flaked french toast with fresh strawberries.  I know.  I know.  We are fully aware of our fatassness.

Bubby’s sausage was extra spicy and had that outer casing which snapped.  I loved Bubby’s sausage.  But I don’t think his eggs were properly cooked over easy.  They were more like over medium.  And I cannot stand when eggs are overcooked with that extra fried outer ring which tastes like styrofoam.  These eggs had that ring.  But the best was the simple buttered wheat toast.  I hate everything wheat, but this toast was crispy, buttery, sweet.  Every square inch of that toast was perfectly buttered.

On a better note, my pulled pork eggs benedict was just lovely.

The shredded pork was soft and was perfectly coated with poached yolk like that feeling when it rains and then gets super sunny so the city feels clean and washed but the sun is warm on your skin.  Yeah, that feeling.  Too bad the potatoes were gummy and burnt.


Drumroll please. The french toast covered in corn flakes.

Wait. Dammit, where are my fresh strawberries?!!!

Take two. Drumroll please.  The french toast covered in corn flakes.

The toast looked like Texas toast, a good sign.  The powdered sugar was lightly dusted.  Nice.  And the strawberries and syrup were plenty.


Dun dun dun dunnu nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh (Playing the game over tune from Super Mario Brothers).  It was okay.  The corn flakes weren’t crunchy enough.  The edges weren’t crispy enough. The toast wasn’t warm and soft in the middle. It was okay. The strawberries weren’t as sweet and the syrup was cold.  It had the potential to be so good.  Like Obi-Wan Kenobi said so disappointingly, “YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!”

It was still a decent brunch.  And for that 3 slow claps.

151 East Walnut Street
Pasadena, CA

Din Tai Fung

7 Mar

For the next few months on every Sunday, Bubby and I will attend pre-marital classes.  Our classes are very educational and provide insight to our relationship and upcoming marriage.  We recently found out that we have the two personality types that are the most compatible.  After hearing that, Bubby and I mentally high-fived each other during the lecture because we’re awesome.

As an after-school treat, we decided to go to Din Tai Fung.  Before meeting Bubby, I never had xiao long bao (steamed soup dumplings) before.  He introduced me to these wonderful pockets of delicious meat and soup.  We have had them at several different places, but the best, juciest, and handmade ones are at Din Tai Fung.

Din Tai Fung has 2 back to back locations in Arcadia.  The original is smaller while the newer one has 2 floors.  I prefer the original, it seems the food is fresher.  When we arrived, this was the line outside the restaurant on a Sunday at 1:30 pm.

I like to go to the store next door where they sell a lot of Asian goods like really good black eyeliner.  They actually changed the store and there’s a huge section of several different “claw” machines.  You know the machines that have stuffed animals you grab with a claw? But this store has really good prizes in addition to the stuffed ones.  They have a PS3, an Ipad, a Louis Vuitton purse.  In order to win these expensive prizes, you have to pick up a rubber ball with the claw.  I’m really good at this game but unfortunately lost $5 trying to win the damn Louis Vuitton bag.  As a consolation prize, I almost won a stuffed “Toad” from Mario Brothers.  I just needed 4 more quarters to push it over the edge.  I had prepped it and was ready to go.  As I walked to the counter for change, this high school punk lurked my machine, and stole my Toad.  Fuuuucker.  He totally  swooped.  I was so pissed, but by that time, our table was ready and I no longer cared about the pre-pubescent punk.

On our way to our table, I noticed the hard working Latinos making my authentic handmade dumplings.

We ordered our food, and the waitress said, “That’s a lot of food for the two of you.”  How dare she judge us.  As my response, I told her to add a Sprite.

I love the chopsticks at Din Tai Fung because these chopsticks have instructions on them.

Bubby immediately said, “I don’t agree with these instructions, specifically step 4.”  Step 4 says to “Take a nibble on the dumpling skin and sip the juice.”  (Click on photo to enlarge) Bubby disagrees with this step because he believes that step 4 should be blow on the skin of the dumpling to cool the soup inside slightly and pop the entire dumpling in your mouth to enjoy the dumpling skin, pork, and soup all at one time.  I agree with Bubby, this is the best technique. But we burned the roofs of our mouths on several occasions to perfect this technique.  You’re welcome.

Look at these bad boys.  Pork dumps.

These pork ones are the juiciest.  We usually order 4 trays of them.  I always forget that the pork ones are the best and order the shrimp and pork ones, too.  Damn amnesia.  But I dip my dumps into my sauce consisting of soy sauce, black vinegar, ginger, and chili sauce.  Bubby hates the black vinegar … BUBBY, DON’T FORGET TO BRING YOUR RICE VINEGAR WITH YOU WHEN WE GO TO DIN TAI FUNG.  YOU ALWAYS FORGET.

These shrimp and pork dumplings taste like har gow that you order at dim sum. They don’t contain as much soup as the pork ones.

We also like the noodles here.  The noodles with minced pork.

These noodles are really flavorful.  You don’t need to add chili sauce or anything which is a surprise because I add chili sauce to everything.  Once you add it, you can’t taste the minced pork.

The beautiful string beans sautéed with garlic and soy sauce.

Crispy. Crunchy. Goody.

And finally, our egg fried rice with pork chop.

Bubby says that the best fried rice is when every kernel of rice has an equivalent egg bite.  This fried rice is like that.  Totally eggalicious.  And do you see the crispy fried pork chop?  I gnawed on that pork chop bone like a ravenous beast.  Definitely not my most attractive moment, but totally worth every bite.

I give the pork dumplings 5 slow claps out of 5.  A perfect rating is given when that dish sets the standard or when a dish redefines what I previously thought about a particular dish.  And for me, Din Tai Fung’s pork dumplings is the standard for all future xiao long baos.

Din Tai Fung
1088/1108 S Baldwin Ave
Arcadia, CA

Wynn Buffet

31 Jan

I am too old to be dancing all night until 4 am.  Too damn old.  I’m hurtin’ bad.  On Friday night, we landed in Vegas around 10:30 pm, checked in at the Wynn, got ready, and met my friends at Tao.  We drank, danced, drank some more, danced some more until 4 am.  4am!!!!  Thats 5 hours past my bedtime.  But it was so much fun with good music and a celebrity sighting of Slash from Guns N’ Roses.

The next day at around 12:30 pm, we decided to keep it local and go to the Wynn buffet.   I’ve been several times before, and every time I go, I always think it’s not worth it.  We stood in line and Blister said she’s going to the VIP Wynn line because she thinks she has reservations.  As we wait in the non-VIP line, Bubby dipped me and kissed me on the lips and said, “You’re so pretty.”   I said, “Aww, thanks.”  And he said, “But your breath smells.”  Haha.  It’s his fault for kissing me after I had a large cappuccino.  Suddenly, I see Blister’s flailing arms waving me over.  Score!

Blister: There’s no reservations.  Wynn doesn’t accept reservations.
Me: Why did you tell us to come over.
Blister: The manager is Korean, and I begged him to let us cut the line.  He said yes.
Me: Yes!  You got your mojo back, you must be on your period.
Bubby: I just threw up a little in my mouth.

There is biological proof that a woman attracts more male attention while on her period.   And my sister must’ve been on hers, because the men were all up on it and we just cut the line of like 60 people.  Booyah!

The Wynn is beautiful.  The rooms are amazing and the floral arrangements are gorgeous.  The floral arrangements in the buffet are fake, I touched them.  But everywhere else, they are real.

The Wynn buffet has all kinds of food for brunch.

Round 1
I prefer the meats.  My plate consisted of prime rib, creamy horseradish, bacon, maple slab of bacon, lox, cream cheese, capers, onions, boiled egg with a lemon wedge.

The prime rib had some good pieces, other parts of it was dry.  The regular bacon was bullshit.  The lox was your typical lox although the boiled egg definitely gave it a nice kick.  But the bad boy of the plate was the peppered maple slab of bacon.  Do you see that pork fat lined between the peppered edge and the meat?  That was fucking glorious.  It was fantastical.

Round 2
Chicken congee with soy sauce pickled cucumbers, scallions, cilantro, and I added anchovies and boiled eggs from the lox line.

The congee was cold.  Congee should be hot — so hot that you have to blow on the bite a few times before eating it because you don’t want it to burn the skin on the roof of your mouth.  That’s how hot it should be.  It wasn’t.  This had so much potential to be good.

Round 3
I picked the raspberry champagne mousse, pear mousse, marshmallow pop, and candied apple.

The marshmallow was hard, I took one bite and regretted it.  Both pear and raspberry mousses were disgusting and gelatinous.  Negative.  The candied apple was too hard, and I worried my dental work would be compromised.  Abort.  Blister picked up a red velvet cupcake with edible glitter.

I did not eat the red velvet cupcake because the last time I had red velvet cake, I broke out into hives all over my body for 4 days.  It was either the red velvet or Mr. Chow’s.  The mystery is unsolved.

During brunch we talked about how lame Bubby’s “list” is to include Jennifer Love Hewitt, especially because 1) she’s fat and 2) she’s crazy.  Did you see her on Ellen?  How she has 3 engagement rings chosen for her boyfriend so when and if she gets a boyfriend, he can choose any of the three?  Free advice for her boyfriend: Run.  Blister said that she’s a horrible choice for his list because she invented “vagazzling” –the art of bedazzling one’s vagina.  I told Bubby I would vagazzle my hoo-ha into the shape of a turkey leg.  That should definitely get him going.  He loves Thanksgiving turkey.  I should probably document our “lists” so there are no take-backs.

Bubby’s List
1. Jennifer Fat Love Hewitt
2. Kate Beckinsale
3. Megan Fox
4. Hyori Lee
5. Jessica Alba (She almost has the “moms” but she’s trying really hard to prevent it.)

My List
1. Johnny Depp (forevaaaaa)
2. Brandon Flowers (I would make him sing to me.)
3. The Rock (He would make me feel so small.)
4. Ryan Gosling (Hey Girl …)
5. Henry Cavill (I would make him dress up in his Tudors gear.)
6. Joseph Gordon Levitt (He has an amazing jaw line, I would give him gum all the time.)
7. Daniel Henney (I need an Asian representative.)
Honorable Mention: Tom Hardy because of his big ass lips.

We had talked for so long that I asked our waiter when the Wynn’s “crab hour” began.  He said 3:30 pm.  I definitely wanted some Alaskan king crab legs and snow crab legs so we decided to wait another 30 minutes.

Round 4
Alaskan king crab legs and snow crab legs.  I filled two plates with just crab legs.  The people behind me were scared I would take them all.  It was for a table of 7.

I hate touching seafood with my hands because the smell stays on my fingers for days which I absolutely hate.  So of course, Bubby de-shelled my crab legs and the other boyfriends’ mouths dropped.  Listen boys, we’ve been together for 6 happy years.  (Happy Anniversary, Bubs!)  If you de-shell your girlfriends’ shellfish, you’ll definitely have a long lasting relationship, too.  Trust.  The crabs were ok in taste, but perfectly stripped out of its shell in long pieces because of Bubby’s excellent work.

Crab time was over, we could go.  But then they restocked the dessert and had my favorite, crème brulée.

Round 5

Good God, I ate it all.  I probably consumed 3,000 calories during this one meal that lasted 4 hours!  4 hours of eating. That’s disgusting.  Even though I ate like there was no tomorrow, the Wynn buffet is ok.

2 slow claps out of 5

I forgot to post this picture of a girl in a crop top hittin’ the buffet hard.  Ladies, please do not expose your muffin top at the buffet.  I will judge you.  I tried to go up really close to take a picture of her tat on her muffin top but she turned around too quickly.

Wynn Buffet
3131 Las Vegas Boulevard South
Las Vegas, NV

The Best Bacon I Ever Had

20 Jan

As you already know, I eat a lot of swine.  I love it.  It tastes so good when it touches the lips.  So tender and juicy.  It’s THE white meat, not the OTHER white meat.  Unless chicken is the wife, and swine is the mistress because it’s sinful and wrong, and you want to do bad things to it that chicken never lets you.  Oh sweet swine.

Yesterday, Blister texted me to come over for some bacon and eggs for dinner.  Her coworker bought her some bacon.  What? Her coworker bought her bacon? Yes.  Now I don’t know how my sister conducts herself at work for her coworkers to shower her with bacon, but I need to know what she’s doing.  She’s obviously a genius.  I can’t think of any circumstance where it would be appropriate to give/accept bacon from a coworker but I’m obviously in the wrong profession.

I went over to Blister’s place and asked her to substitute the eggs with sweet delicious Aunt Jemima pancakes.  They were good pancakes for being instant.  She even warmed up the syrup.  But no butter.  Blister’s place is butter-free, and she told me I had to BYOB.

The pancakes were good, but the pièce de résistance was the bacon.  The best bacon I ever had was from Bacara in Santa Barbara.  That bacon was so good that I ate an entire plate of it.  But this bacon, Blister’s inappropriately obtained bacon … is THE best bacon I ever had.

Let’s zoom in.

Profile view.

Blister cooked it perfectly, too.  It was crispy but the edges were slightly soft and chewy.  The slices were thick and sweet.  Where does this delicious bacon come from you ask?  Bishop, California.  I love California.

I want to go to there.  DOUBLE smoked.  DOUBLE.  DOUBLE TROUBLE.

I give this bacon 5 slow claps out of 5.

It’s so good, I’ll throw in a slow clapping Johnny.

Meadow Farms Country Smokehouse
2345 N. Sierra Highway
Bishop, California

UPDATE: Bubby read this post and ordered me 5 pounds of this bacon.  Note to self: Write a post about my love for diamonds.

Pickles Deli

13 Dec

On our drive back to the city from BFE, we stopped at Pickles Deli for brunch.  We opened the menu and it was like a Cheesecake Factory menu — never ending.  Pages and pages of food.  I opted for my usual brunch menu item — Lox and bagel with scrambled eggs and chedda.  I have to eat my eggs with Tapatio.

While we waited for our food, Pickles Deli provided two kinds of complimentary pickles.  Fresh green pickles that are more salty than sour.  Ripe pickles that have more vinegar with a sour kick to them.  I prefer the fresh green pickles more than the sour ones.  These pickles are brined similarly to Katz Deli’s pickles, the famous deli in NY.  The deli where Sally shared her O-face with the world in my favorite movie, “When Harry Met Sally.”  Bubby took me to Katz Deli last year for the food, and because I love the movie.  The food was aite but being in the deli was awesome.  They even have an arrow pointing to the table where that famous scene was filmed.  Fun!

Our food arrived quickly.  The lox and bagel were mediocre.  I did spice it up though.   My lox routine: I layer on two inches of cream cheese.  I strategically place the inside layers of a red onion and capers on top of the cream cheese.  This way the cream cheese holds these loose items like glue.

I add a slice of cucumber on top of the onions and capers.  If cucumber slices are not provided, I add a slice of tomato.  But WARNING: a slice of tomato can make the entire combination too juicy and the tomato juice combined with the cream cheese will drizzle down your arm.  Not attractive and smells fishy.  Finally, I add my lox as the top layer, and I love to add lemon juice on my lox with some salt and peppa.

At one point, the two inches of cream cheese oozed out of the center hole of the bagel.  I used my index finger to swipe the cream cheese from the center hole and licked my finger full of cream cheese while rolling my eyes to the back of my head in pure delight.  Bubby, hater of cheese, dropped his jaw in shock.  I lowered my sunglasses from the crown of my head onto my face and grunted, “Don’t judge me.”

Bubby selected his favorite, corned beef hash with over easy eggs and wheat toast.  Bubby said that I had to make note of the corned beef hash.  It was good on its own, but better when he cracked the yolks of his over easy eggs and scrambled it with the corned beef hash.  I would’ve taken a picture of his brilliant masterpiece but it looked like mush.  Seriously.

I give the lox and bagel 2 slow claps out of 5.   I would have given a higher rating if (1) the bagel was thicker and more substantial and (2) they didn’t charge $1 for capers for a dish which requires capers.  It’s like charging a $1 for lettuce in a B.L.T.

Pickles Deli
1940 Newbury Rd # 100
Newbury Park, CA