Disney Land

4 Nov

Was it just me or was Halloween super long this year? I swear I saw slutty ____ every day for like a week. The worst was slutty Darth Vader. Homegirl had a black leotard, fishnets, a cape, and a Darth Vader mask. Really? But good for her, for throwing those nerds a bone.

I must have really had Halloween on the brain this week. I had to pop a Benadryl (we call them “Bennies” at our house) because my allergies made my eyes so swollen I could barely see. Bubby came home late from his bowling league, and because I was completely medicated and super drowsy, I had no idea when he arrived. The next day he said this happened,

Bubs: Hey, Bubs.
Me: zzzz………..Is that you or a zombie?
Bubs: ……………..zombie.
Me: Hahahah……zzzzzzzz.
Bubs: Zombie kiss….*kiss*
Me: Hahahahh………zzzzzz.

Damn Halloween.

On Friday, Blister and Dr. Hay Hay Hay invited me to go to Disney Land. Now the people who know me know I have history with said Disney Land. For my 24th birthday, I went to Disney Land for the first time– a magical place I had heard about growing up in Texas. Unfortunately for me, Texas was smack in the middle between Disney Land and World, and my family was too poor to even consider a trip to either. So when I finally moved to LA, I decided to go to Disney Land with friends as a birthday gift to my inner child. Completely excited by this adventure, I wanted the full experience. I even bought those damn mouse ears and wore them all day like an idiot. I didn’t care, I waited 24 years for this day. Anyway, long story short, every fucking ride on Disney Land was closed. Not just like 2 or 3, but every fucking ride. I ran through Disney Land screaming and running like the Incredible Hulk. I immediately got home and sent a letter to the corporate office for Disney Land and explained how they shattered my childhood dreams and my innocent spirit. I explained that I came from immigrant parents, and their only dream was to have their daughter experience the alleged “happiest place on earth.” I poured drops of water on that damn letter so they know I had been crying. Disney Land responded with “We apologize for your experience … blah … we are awesome … blah … we have so much … blah … you’re so poor … here’s one voucher for you to visit us again within one year due to the expiration date.” ONE VOUCHER? I wrote back, “Dear Disney Land, please send me another voucher so that I don’t have to relive my wildest fantasy alone.” Disney wrote back, “No.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking, Disney Land.

6 years later and I’m still salty as hell. Even the Mickey pumpkin couldn’t cheer me up.

Even this rude kid on her dad’s shoulders blocked my view of the fireworks show.

Screw the fireworks show, we wanted to take advantage of the rides without lines since these dumb kids were mesmerized by the fire in the sky.

The first ride – Star Tours

We waited in line for only ten minutes.  They gave us these 3D glasses, and like the good doctor she is, Blister distributed antibacterial hand gel to disinfect the glasses.  The best part of this entire ride was when the tour said that we captured the “rogue spy” and it was Blister with a scowl on her face.  HAHAHA! I said, “The rogue spy looks like an angry lesbian.”

The Star Tours was kind of fun, I will admit that.  The next ride was Space Mountain.  Dr. HHH lied to me, it’s a roller coaster!  WHAT?!  I hate roller coasters even if it’s a “baby” one.  That baby ended up making me cry.  Full on tears streaming down my face.  I seriously hate roller coasters.  Our final ride was the Indian Jones ride.  The entire time I was worried my bag of Halloween candy was going to spill over, my true personal hell.

This Disney trip was definitely better than my first.  But to top the entire night off, I wanted a damn turkey leg.  Nothing would have made me happier than gnawing on a leg.  As I waited in line, the lady said, “We just sold our last turkey leg.  Next time you have to come earlier.”

NEXT TIME?!!  There will never be a next time.  My kids can scream and beg, and I will never take them.  NEVER!!!!!  I’m going to take them to Magic Mountain and tell them it’s Disney Land.

On day 65 of Halloween, Bubby and I were invited to a private party at Edison.  We needed to make our costumes because we always think of creative ones like dick in a box, 2 girls 1 cup, ketchup and mustard.  This year we were scrabble pieces.

The supplies.

The pieces…..yes, we’re 10 years old.

We hung these around our necks.   One person at the party suggested we use the numbers 6 and 9 which would have been a good idea.  This one guy said, “I know that B stands for boron, but what does J stand for?”

Uh, J stands for you’re a fucking moron.  This isn’t the periodic table where the atomic number is on top of the letter, it’s a scrabble piece.  Don’t you see the scrabble tile tray that I created from a deconstructed easel?  So basically, Bubs and I just flipped our tiles and displayed this:

Thank god Halloween is over.  Bring on the turkey.

Disney Land
Not including the address
Don’t ever go.


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